THE JOKE PAGE

GOOD BAD OR OTHERWISE

GROANERS

How do crazy people go through the forest?	What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?	What do prisoners use to call each other?
They take the Psycho Path	Polaroids	Cell phones
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?	What do you call Santa's helpers?	What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A stick	Subordinate clauses	Frostbite
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic	What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic	Where do you find a no legged dog
Sanka	Iceberg	Right where you left him
Why do Gorillas have big nostrils?	What do you get from a pampered cow?	What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
Because they have big fingers	Spoiled milk	A nervous wreck

Christopher wonders why the number 9 is afraid of the number 7? See below!!

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A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard when all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker
ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker asks incredulously.

(Guess the punch line now, before scrolling down...........)

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Because seven eight nine!! Get it?

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You might be a kayaker if...

You "pour over" streamflow readings the way a stockbroker scans the markets everyday.
The longer dry time you have, the more you want to kick your dog
You practically salivate at the sound of rainfall.
There's no room on your speed-dial for anything but guage readings and the numbers of people with nicknames like Psycho.
You paid more for a roof-rack for the boat than you spent for anniversary presents.
You tie down the boat better than you seatbelt in the kids.
"Waterproof" means "a little damp" or "might-float"
Your friends or relatives are shocked when you answer the phone at home on a weekend.
House guests ask you why you replaced your living room sofa with a sea kayak...
You can't drive over a bridge without looking for water under it.
The smell of old polypro doesn't bother you.
Your wife says you love your boat and your boat'n buddies more than her, and she sounds just like your first wife...and your second.
Driving 1200 km for a weekend on the river doesn't seem strange to you.

Your idea of a complete first aid kit is a roll of duct tape
Window shade means more than keeping the sun out.
You choose a new car based on whether or not your rack system will fit it
A dress shirt and tie no longer bother you, because they're looser than a drysuit neck gasket
You co-workers (and non-boating friends, family and your spouse) will not ride in your vehicle between March and October because of the ode de polypro.
The sight of a waterfall gives you the uncontrollable urge to urinate in a nearby bush- while you search out the line...
You call your buddies in order of shuttle ability
Your boat is worth more than your car
Even in the dead of winter, you never actually lose the PFD tan lines...

You build your new house as close as possible to the flood plain.
Your dog loves to roll in your pile of paddling clothes.
You're all dressed up and don't notice that you're being rained on.
You ask the clerk at The Bon Ton how well these dress shoes hold up to immersion.
You measure major purchases relative to the cost of a new boat...('Hmmm,
that new computer will cost me about 2 1/2 kayak units')
You're the one with the Bright Sunny Smile on the Cold Rainy Day.
Every once in a while you touch your paddle, just to touch it...every once in a while you let go of your paddle, just to eat something.
When your non boating friends visit your home or your car they ask "Do you have dogs?"
You have no trouble saying "Rotomolded Crosslink Polyethelyne" ten times fast.
The idea of a 20,000 km per year car lease seems ridiculous.
You have a bathing suit that's wet from March to October.
Your Mom has stopped saying "be careful this weekend".
You've never setup a tent when it's light out.
You've tied up your mate using either a taught-line or trucker's hitch.
You have friends that you don't recognize without their helmet, pfd, paddling jacket, and boat ensemble...
You can ID make and model on a car topped kayak at a quarter mile...
"Wet, sticky hole" and "blowing a ferry" in casual conversation don't
give you pause...
You always have sinus congestion on monday morning..
You freely discuss how much you and others weigh, and don't feel self-concious about it (or about asking others how much they weigh).
You leave your glasses strap on at night
Your only considerations when buying a car are ground clearance, and the size of the rain gutters.
All career,personal and financial decisions are judged by the criteria of "How will this increase my paddling time?"
You visit Niagara Falls and think "This may be runnable."
You build a 2 car garage addition and you still can't park your car inside.
You bug out on your wife and kids to go paddling for the weekend because you are SURE your priorities are right.
You deliberately watch the whole commercial just to see the kayak on the car...
You maneuver your car on five-lane streets by eddying out behind trucks and making S-moves in the left turn lane. And you lean into the turns.
` If you live in a town with a river running through it, you give street directions with descriptions like "upstream of the ..." or "two blocks
down on river left ..."
You find yourself humming Weather Channel tunes.
It takes longer and longer to get your "land legs" back. Solid ground "feels funny"
You feel all mushy inside when your wife gives you a drytop for Christmas.
You keep moving the car seat forward, so you can bend your knees and feel good and wedged in for pulling maneuvers on the freeway.
You can't look at water in a gutter without imagining tiny runs and miniature waves and holes.
You start driving around with your PFD and helmet on because you have noticed that other drivers tend to give you the right of way.
After a car wreck, the first thing you check for is damage to your boat.

The only thing you worry about when getting naked just about *anywhere* is whether or not you'll get a ticket!

Because Beethoven is decomposing.

True quotations from real sports people...

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all
the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to
copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann said in 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."

A senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh boasted: "I'm
going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach instructed his team: "You
guys line up alphabetically by height . . . and you guys pair
up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because
of academic requirements opined: "I play football. I'm not trying to be
a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me. . . .
measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during a visit
to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that
we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of winning a championship: "I've won at
every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in
the morning regardless of what time it is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at a 1982 practice: "My
sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an
uncle or an aunt."

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a 1991
fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real
tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M recounting what he
told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me
like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)

And the best one...

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,
'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He replied,
'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)

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Windows 2000

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
game?

6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please
log off."

8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any
key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

16. User Error: Replace user.

17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.

19. User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient

20. Netscape.exe... Bad file name...
May we suggest M/S Internet Explorer? (Y/y)

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HOW ABOUT SOME STATE MOTTOS!!

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California: By 30 Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedies Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

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You may be out of your league when...

Your paddling buddies ask "Just curious, but where did you put your car keys?", or "Do you want me to hold your keys?"
You feel the irresistible urge to tighten your helmet strap when looking at the upcoming section of the river.
You see your buddies playing rock-paper-scissors for your gear.
Spectators nudge one-another when they see the terrible line that you're taking.
Spectators applaud when you finally drag your waterlogged body onto the shore.
Your mouth is too dry to spit above the upcoming hole, or
You can spit to show that you're not afraid, but then you need to take a drink to re-moisten your mouth.
You feel the urge to take a last minute dash to the port-a-potty.
You find yourself thinking of all the things that you still want to do in life.
You begin thinking about lemmings jumping off a cliff together.
You write "Please Turn Over" on the bottom of your kayak.
Your drysuit becomes a wetsuit, and you're still upright...
You gotta take a piss three times in a row - BEFORE running the rapid.
You meet shaky, white-faced survivors returning from the bank scout trail.
Another party's trip leader points you out and proclaims "See that guy, that's exactly what I was talking about---- don't......."
Other boaters start humming the theme from Deliverance as you make your move!
People begin to recognize you by the bottom or your boat.
(for guys) Your external organs become internal.
You forget to paddle....just sit there with your paddle over your head and slobber.
You take a bad line above a hole and the locals begin cheering as you drop in.
For Christmas, your wife gives herself a 1 year $500,000 term policy on your life... w/ double indemnity for accidental drowning.
Everyone gets their cameras out when they see you getting into your boat.
You pull into an eddy and you see one of your mentors who looks at you and says "holy cow, what are you doing here?".
People pull out throw bags, cell phones and First Aid kits as you head for the rapids...
Your insurance company cancels you..
More than 2 people with video cameras follow you..
Your kids inquire about your will before you leave on the trip.
People at work ask you to show where you put your data.
You get a letter from your boats manufacturer asking you to switch brands.
Timex puts a watch on your helmet and a camera on your bow, pointed at your head. (Takes a licking...)
Your doctor recommends a weekly MRI of your brain.
You get sponsorship from medical supply companies.
Your HMO declares Chapter 11; blames you.
In the middle of your run, you realize that *everybody* in your group has set up safety...
In order to avoid paddling with you, your friends resort to staging their own abduction.
Your bow passes over the horizon line and you still can't see the landing pad.
You paddle like a bit player in a Star Trek landing party.

BA DA BA DA BA DA THAT'S ALL FOLKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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