Girlie Man Outbreak in Northern Maryland
(A.P. Washington Bureau 10/23)

The Center for Disease Control (C.D.C.) reported a suspected outbreak of the dreaded Girlie Man Syndrome in Northern Maryland. It's epicenter seemed to be located near the town on Monkton, approximately 7 miles from the Maryland-Pennsylvania line. This G.M. Syndrome was last reported in Sacramento, California. That outbreak seemed to be confined to the California State Legislature. This current report marks the first East Coast foothold.

The report cites a possible shortening of a river trip to due to certain arbitrary circumstances. It is reported that a club member of the internationally known Conewago Canoe Club shortened an already short trip to an incredibly short distance. This action is one noted symptom of the Girlie Man Syndrome

A further investigation has revealed a trip was scheduled on the Mighty Gunpowder Falls for that day to be led by a certain Mike Boyd. Reached at his palatial estate in the city of York Pa., a spokesman who would only identify himself as oconemike said "maybe there was a trip and maybe there was some rain and maybe the temperature was just a little over 40 degrees. But it all depends on what your definition of short is!" In a written statement faxed to our Paris office, oconemike declared that " yeah, they took just took out sooner than expected. They ran the Big Drop at the Ess Turn but there was no way they were going the tackle the Raven Rocks Falls section without more support. We categorically reject the speculation that these fine boaters were suffering from any G.M. Syndrome. If you print any such things, you'll be hearing from our lawyers, Hungadunger, Hungadunger, Hungadunger and McCormick, probably the second Hungadunger. " A second boater, a Mr. Bob Swank, was in isolation at his compound outside of York. A Mystery Kayaker was unable to be located.

Reached at the international headquarters of Seneca Press outside Bethesda Maryland, noted author and boating expert Ed (Boulderbuster) Gertler said " Man, that just doesn't sound like something anyone from Conewago would do. They have an unofficial club motto of leaving early and staying late. Those cats are hard core! They always get there early, hit the river hard and leave late. These jokers definitely arrived late and left early. Sounds more like those paddlers from that wine, cheese, and cell phone crowd. most likely from New Jersey."

In a statement issued from it's Atlanta headquarters, C.D.C. spokesman Dr. Vin E. Boombaugh said, " We take this report very seriously. What's next? Going for a weekend trip and only paddling once? Staying in motels? Heaters in tents? Fleece instead of flannel? We at the C.D.C. have prepared a list of possible countermeasures in case the G.M. Syndrome becomes pandemic. Some possibilities are the removal of all heaters and A/C. units from vehicles, requiring all kayakers to fit into boats under 8 foot 2 inches (violators will be forced to C-boat for 3 months), a return to wet suits, all supplied by an outfitter. The public should not be concerned, as sources we have contacted assure us they clean and disinfect each garment after every trip. If all these measures fail, our fail-safe position is to serve heavy brown gravy on every plate of French fries served in these United States of America."

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